Why Do I Practice NFP?

- by Joanna @ The Milroys

Recently I’ve been reflecting on the merits of NFP and reasons why one should use it or even why I use it. Because it’s something that I’ve found to be so transformative, amazing, and truth-filled, I want to be able to show everyone how it can be beneficial for their lives as well. It’s common, of course, to want something that has brought you happiness to also bring happiness to others.

As with many aspects of faith, though, I’ve come to realize that NFP is not something that can be marketed like a pair of shoes or the latest and greatest computer. (Although people have tried and are trying) NFP is ultimately not a commodity that can be bought, used, and then upgraded. This is because at its core, NFP is a part of a larger system of faith and virtue.

But, starting at the most basic levels, there are many, many benefits and reasons why someone could, ought to, or does practice NFP. Here’s what I always want to tell people:

•               It's green
•         It’s natural
•         It’s effective
•         It’s cheap
•         It works with any woman’s cycle at any age
•         It’s easy to learn
•        There are no poor medical side effects
•        Any decisions made are immediately reversible
•        The divorce rate of couples who use NFP is extremely low (something less than 5%)
•        It keeps you in touch with your body and allows you to learn about your health and wellness
•        It allows you to see your own body and your spouse’s as gifts

•         It can predict any possible fertility problems you might have
•         It will strengthen your marriage and make your spouse happier

•         It will make you happier
•         It opens up communication between spouses
•         It develops mutual decision making between a couple
•         It increases your appreciation and understanding of intimacy
•         It will give you an inner sense of peace
•         It strengthens your faith
•         It makes your relationship and you feel more free; especially free of anxiety
•         It puts you in the mindset of gratitude for life and everything it contains
•         It keeps your priorities in order
•         It’s what the Catholic Church teaches is correct and virtuous

That sounds like a very marketable list to me. Who wouldn’t want that? I want to shout it from my facebook wall! Well, here’s the thing, everyone does want it, I believe, but everyone needs to accept this understanding as a gift.

Because of our culture’s perversion of sex, it seems oddly taboo to talk about the beauty of sex with others in a serious way even though it’s in front of our face in many other ways, especially in the media. I’ve noticed that other NFP couples are much more open to talking about sex in a non scandalous way. Those who contracept seem to view sex to be more of a private topic of conversation if that or they talk about it very scandalously.

So back to trying to market NFP…  If we can’t talk to our friends about it because it’s too private a topic or too encroaching on their beliefs and comfort levels, then why shouldn’t we (as a collective NFP culture) try mass-marketing it? Ad campaigns, billboards, TV slots, publications… And once again, this doesn’t sound bad, and many are trying this, I’m sure.

But, something in that idea is askew too. And after reflecting on it, I think it’s because even though we can practice NFP for any of the above reasons, ultimately the reason a person will see the true beauty of NFP is because it’s a gift from God, and the only true reason to practice NFP is because we love God.

That might sound a little dramatic. The ONLY TRUE reason to practice NFP is because we love God? Really?

Yes. Because the only reason we should do anything in our lives or endure anything is because we love God. That is what we were created for. That is what we long for. For that infinite love of God. And NFP allows us to glimpse this infinite aspect of God’s love through the physical, spiritual, and emotional love between spouses in the form of sex while contraception shuts that relationship with God down.

That is why we can’t market NFP like another commodity. We can evangelize and tout its benefits, because there is a never-ending list of great things about NFP. And we could even put on a mass-marketing campaign. But ultimately getting people motivated to love God and act because of that love is a gift from God too. We have to pray for the grace to be good examples in our own marriages and pray for the gift of NFP and openness to life and love for the world.

We have to work on ourselves to root out our prideful reasons for doing NFP. Even the benefits (which are still benefits) can be selfish if that is our main goal or focus. For example, practicing NFP because it is effective cannot be the end goal. Love of God is. Practicing NFP because it builds a stronger marriage cannot not be the end goal. Love of God is. Even practicing NFP and wanting others to do so because it’s the “right” thing to do that will get you “heaven points” for your deathbed is not the end goal. It’s not about you, it’s about loving God. All these benefits are steps on the way to God sharing his infinite love and our feeble attempt to love Him back.

Protestants, Birth Control, and Math

So I've read some uber good articles lately on birth control. Good material for future discussions. Take a peak:

Mathmatical Proof that Birth Control Fails

 

Protestants and Pill Predicament  by the New WavE Feminist BLOG

The Contradictions of Contraception ... a highlight from the article....

The freedom promised by the sexual revolution is not true freedom at all. Jennifer Fulwiler, a popular blogger and contributor to the National Catholic Register put it well: “I find it ironic when contraception is said to allow anyone to live freely, secular culture assures women that they can go ahead and engage in the act that creates babies, even if they are not ready to be mothers. They are handed contraception and told to forget all about the possibility of parenthood. Then, when the contraception fails, as it so often does, they find themselves feeling trapped, perceiving that their only escape is through the doors of an abortion facility. This, to me, does not look like freedom.”

NFP Women: Meet Jacque

So thrilled to have my cousin Jacque on the blog this month! She was always a big older cousin I looked up to when I was little. I'll never EVER forget when she got my sister and I our first Barbie Doll that came with 20 different earrings you could put on her. Anyways....I've always admired her and am so honored she was willing to share her story.

Michael and Jacque are both 34. Michael grew up in Franklin, TN and Jacque grew up in Northern Kentucky, they currently live in Charlotte, NC. with their 3 children here on earth: Lucy (5), Emilia (3), and Christian (18 months) and also have 2 babies in heaven. They have been married for 6 years. 

When did you first hear about the Church’s teachings on NFP and contraception? Did you always know about it or was there a time that you heard about it for the first time?

Michael and I met a year after college and I was doing some soul searching. I was hungry to know more about my faith. I grew up in a strong Catholic home, but like many college students there was a time that I wasn’t living my faith properly. I started reading everything I could get my hands on—and loved it. I was definitely discovering a new level of my faith and Michael was very supportive. That’s when I knew there was something different about this man. It was during that time I read things about NFP and the beauty of living it in your marriage. When I realized things were getting serious with Michael, I figured it was time to broach the subject. I was pretty nervous as there were only two outcomes…he would consider it or RUN. I’m so glad he didn’t run. What I had learned seemed so beautiful to me and made perfect sense, but this was all new to him. Before bringing it up to Michael, I had to educate myself on all that it entailed so I could explain it…well, rather delicately. That was a TOUGH day for us (there were tears on both sides!). Thank goodness we can laugh about it now, but I’ll never forget the conversation. He automatically started having images of babies running everywhere and me driving a 15 passenger van (which, by the way, I think are very cool!). We worked through some of our fears and worries and were engaged a few months later. We also signed up for a class during our engagement which was helpful. My constant prayer is asking God to guide us and protect us in our marriage. If he wanted us to live marital love to its fullest then he was going to have to pave the way.

Likewise, was there a moment when you decided that you would use NFP in your marriage or was it just understood that that is what you would do?

Once I knew the Church’s teachings on NFP I knew there was no turning back. If I truly believe that my life’s goal is to help get my husband, children, and myself to heaven, then how could I do something that would cause us both to sin repeatedly in our marriage?

Pope John Paul II said that contraception “is to be judged so profoundly unlawful as never to be, for any reason, justified. To think or to say the contrary is equal to maintaining that in human life, situations may arise in which it is lawful not to recognize God as God” (address Oct. 10, 1983).

There’s also the health standpoint as well. Once I read all of the harmful effects that the pill can do your body, I knew it wasn’t for me. I get paranoid taking aspirin! So a pill that is linked to depression, mood swings, blood clots and breast cancer definitely wasn’t for me.

Did you have any fears about using NFP? If so, what were they?

Not at the beginning of our marriage. As silly as it sounds, you don’t know what you don’t know. So, when we took the classes it seemed pretty effective and easy (effective: yes , but easy: I was just a tad naive). Anyone that practices NFP knows that there are challenges and it’s no easy trail.

How has using NFP positively influenced your marriage?

In so many ways! It’s amazing the conversations that arise from, "Where are you with your charting?” There are looooong conversations that follow and then there are the brief, aggravated ones, too. So often I can see God’s hand at work in our marriage. Teaching us patience, sacrifice, and true marital love in more many ways than if I was contracepting.

I love that I’m married to a man who loves every bit of me, including my fertility. His love has no boundaries. When we made our wedding vows to love, honor, and cherish each other- we meant it. Not that we want to have a baby on our mind at all times, but we can’t just shove my fertility in a drawer because it’s a big part of who I am.

If we were contracepting I would feel some sort of unspoken words like, "I love you with all of my heart. Well, except that little thing called your fertility...the part of you that God so graciously gave to us. I don't really love that part. So let's get rid of it, suppress it, and put a mask on it...whatever it takes because I'm not in love with that part of you....unless of course when I AM ready."

What has been the greatest challenge?

Wow, how honest should I be here? The abstinence part is tough (like, real tough at times) and being spontaneous is rare. Also, like a lot of women, it is often times difficult to chart. This is just another area where God is asking me to surrender my fears and trust Him. Trust in His plan for our family and His plan for our future. He never disappoints. His plan is perfect. He doesn’t promise the road will be easy, but it will be worth it.

I’d add that hooking up with a good NFP instructor is key, too. I have to drive an hour each way (with all three kids) to see mine, but it is worth it. She’s wonderful and spends however much time I need answering questions and helping me feel confident in charting.  

What would you say to a couple who is considering using NFP rather than artificial forms of birth control?

I would say give your marriage a chance to love each other WHOLY and completely. Take it one day at a time. Will it be easy? No. Trust God will meet you where you are…He will give you the graces to make it work. He’s waiting for your“yes.”

From a health standpoint, it’s unbelievably awesome! NFP IS for everyone. I can only speak from experience using the Creighton method, but they specialize in women with irregular cycles (long, short, menopausal, low progesterone, and infertility!) I think it’s amazing that by charting you can diagnose and treat many gynecological disorders. Many times the pill is prescribed to “solve”a woman’s issue, but sadly it’s a mask that will only create other problems.

And then there’s the abortifacient aspect in regards to the pill. Scientist and doctors are starting to change the definition of pregnancy. Isn’t that crazy? They seek to define pregnancy as beginning with implantation and not fertilization, but implantation occurs 7-8 days AFTER a new person has come into existence…after all of the DNA and genetic make-up of that person is formed. The levels of hormones in some pills make it impossible for implantation to occur meaning there was a baby (but to them they are just a mass of cells, so you can see the slippery slope).

 How do you handle the topic with family and friends? Is it ever an issue? How do you handle criticism about the Church’s teachings?

It’s tough when you know that close friends or family are contracepting, especially Catholic ones. I care so much about them and their marriage. I know the beauty it can bring to a family. However, I don’t criticize their decision. My only hope is that our children will see our example and follow suit.

On the flip side, I am so blessed with an amazing support group. I have wonderful friends and sisters that use NFP. Nothing is TMI because sometimes it really helps knowing that they are going through the same difficulties. I can even see God working in those relationships, too. Last weekend some of my girlfriends and I went to dinner and the 3 hour conversation was….you guessed it- about NFP. J I don’t know what I would do without them. Truly, God put them in my life for a very special reason. I think it is also comforting to Michael knowing we are not alone in our journey.

Could you share a happy moment or memory that you have of your children?

We keep things lively in our home. Smiles are abundant and silliness required. My children keep me laughing throughout the day. Here’s a funny nfp moment. I keep my chart on our bathroom counter. My kids always want to play with the stamps and write on it. I tell them it’s off limits and it’s a chart to help mommy stay healthy. As they get older I’m going to have to put it up- I doubt they want to see all the deets on their mom’s fertility. Anyway, I’m not sure about the other methods, but when you‘re fertile in the Creighton method you put a baby stamp on that day. My little one, Lucy, saw my chart and said,“Mommy, what are all these baby stamps? You have one in every square!” hahah. Like I said, it’s sometimes tough for me to figure out! J

Notes on NFP, Note 1

I'm always amused to find myself in the middle of NFP "moments" more often than not these days. I'm not sure if it's because my ears are more in tune now that I somehow fell into managing an NFP blog (which I still don't know how happened ; ), or because my life and friends are in our child bearing season, or if it is God gently nudging them my way...I'm sure all of the above. At any rate...I've been mulling over these conversations and circumstances for a time and I thought I would share them with you, as they seemed to stick with me.

At a Funeral...
"Thank you Grandpa for being open to life, because my dad was number 10." that excerpt came from my sister Anna who wrote a tribute to my grandfather, at his funeral. He was 97. Present at the funeral were all 13 children about 60 out of 65 grandchildren and then many great grandchildren (64 I believe).

That line in her testimony rang in my ears. My gosh, if he stopped at 5 or 8 my dad would not be here! I would not be here, nore would my children and eventually their children. Half the people in this picture would not even exist. Just the magnitude of one life and the generations of people that come from one person! This is one couple being open as to what God wanted out of their life.

                                               (This was taken at their 65th wedding anniversary)

My grandparents house was small,a ranch house with 3 bedrooms and 1 1/2 baths. They never owned many material possessions, and all their children had to earn their own way into college. They lived a simple life that was full to the brim! And he died surrounded by multitudes of people who loved him.

Hanging Family Pictures...
I come from a long line of fertility, you might say, "Fertile Myrtyls". I'm from a family of 11, my dad is one of 13, my mom is one of 10, her mom is one of 13, and so on....
I wanted to find some pictures of my grandparents to hang in my house and tell their stories to my children. I found these pictures from my mom's side of the family. They are of my great grandmother Neoma and grandmother Margaret.

     (my great grandmother is fifth from right, Neoma. She went on to have 13 children,   pictured below, and 97 grandchildren. Below, are 12 of her 13 and my grandma is 6th in line from right.)

(my grandparents on my mom's side...did they know here that they would go on to have 10 children?)

I stared at these pictures for a long time. Take one or two or five children out of that line up and there are dozens and hundreds of lives that would not have come into existence.

What I'm not saying, is that in order to be open to life, you must have at least 10 children.  Being open to life should never mean a certain number, but it does mean being open to what God wants, as many as HE wants and not so much what you want.

There is this one passage of scripture that I always go back to..."And he sat down opposite the treasury, and watched the multitude putting money into the treasury. Many rich people put in large sums And a poor widow came, and put in two copper coins, which make a penny. And he called his disciples to him, and said to them, "Truly, I say to you, this poor widow has put in more than all those who are contributing to the treasury. For they all contributed out of their abundance; but she out of her poverty has put in everything she had, her whole livelihood." Mark 12:41-44

and especially this one:
"For whoever would save his life will lose it; and whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it." Mark 3:35

Good grief, those are some hard sayings, but I have watched my own parents and grandparents live by those passages. They gave their whole livelihood in being open to life. I think at the heart of nfp, this is what God is asking of us. The sizes and shapes and spaces between each family will look different, but deep inside it is meant to look the same. That whatever our family size ends up being, even if God sends us infertility, it is not about a specific number, rather, it is about giving and what being open to life is doing to our souls. It is ultimately a surrender of our will to his, our LIFE for others. 

 I think of livelihood as those things that you enjoy: eating food when it's hot, getting a full night's sleep without being awaken or sleeping in, traveling abroad, getting away for a weekend, concerts, going places alone, I could think of a million. All these things are good things in themselves and by no means, bad, but good in healthy doses I guess, but we willingly give them up at times for the sake of someone else, a little soul.

As I looked at these pictures, I couldn't help, but think of the sacrifice my great grandparents, grandparents, and parents went through by being obedient to God. Because of their yes, their trust, and their very lives, I am here. I believe what my great grandparents and grandparents and parents did was RADICAL. It is so completely counter-cultural and against the norm, and it cost them everything, but I believe it's right because it is life focused on eternity.

Jillian Michael's Workout DVD: "In order to change, you have to get uncomfortable."

Her quote holds a great deal of truth. It applies physically and spiritually. How ready are we to put our bodies through intense physical and rigorous workouts to maintain good health or to look good? And yet, we have to do the same for our souls, be ready and willing to GET UNCOMFORTABLE if we want to change and become the best version of ourselves

(Sidenote: Ha, I didn't really pay any attention to her until I read that lent post and then got inspired to order "No More Trouble Zones" dvd. I can't say I'm a big fan of her "kick some butt" attitude,I personally find that annoying, but she is a really good motivator and the dvds are making me sweat!)

I'm pretty sure having a baby is, in its very essence, the most uncomfortable thing I will ever do in this life, for a whole host of reasons :), but it is the most rewarding. Sometimes, I have to remember, "With great sacrifice comes great love, and with great love, comes great sacrifice." JPII

But maybe, more importantly, being open to life can open our souls, stretch our hearts, and changes us into the women we were created to be.

NFP Women: Meet Grace

                Grace grew up in New Mexico and Simon in Kansas; we live in St. Louis now. Simon and Grace are 28, and were married in Auguest 2009. Their two children are: Julia, 16 months, and Sebastian, 3 months.

When did you first hear about the Church’s teachings on NFP and contraception? Did you always know about it or was there a time that you heard about it for the first time?

Simon and I are both fortunate to have parents that practiced NFP so we were always aware of the Catholic Church’s teaching on contraception. I became more aware of NFP in college at Franciscan.

Likewise, was there a moment when you decided that you would use NFP in your marriage or was it just understood that that is what you would do?

Simon and I dated long distance for several months and talked about NFP almost immediately. We both understood and agreed that we would practice NFP.

Did you have any fears about using NFP? If so, what were they?

Initially, I was pretty confused by the whole charting process when we started taking the classes. Now, I am one of the few that actually really enjoys charting. I like seeing the patterns that occur each month and being able to anticipate potential mood swings and prepare myself and poor Simon for the impending hormone storm. We have been lucky enough to not be scared or overwhelmed at the thought of a pregnancy at any point in our marriage (that is not to say the day won’t come!).

How has using NFP positively influenced your marriage?

NFP forces us to be in a constant state of communication about a myriad of issues. From important and meaningful conversations about openness to the possibility of another child to little exchanges about cycle patterns, It has helped us to view our marriage and fertility as a partnership.

What has been the greatest challenge?

When we were first married it took us a few months to get pregnant. It seemed like the entire world got pregnant on their honeymoon and I was frustrated that I wasn’t able to get pregnant as easily. It was difficult to trust God’s will for our lives. Simon did a phenomenal job of reminding me that as much as NFP is about openness to children, it is also about openness to God’s will, even if that meant not giving us a child immediately.  When I was (“finally” – ha) pregnant with Julia after five months of marriage, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer shortly thereafter. The timing of her conception turned out to be such a blessing as my doctor found the cancer at my initial OB visit and I was able to have surgery in my second trimester.  If I had gotten pregnant right away, the cancer nodule may have been too small to have been detected and we may have discovered the cancer after it has spread quite a bit more.

What would you say to a couple who is considering using NFP rather than artificial forms of birth control?

I wish our society viewed fertility as a gift and not a burden. I know that taking birth control, getting an IUD etc is so much easier and more convenient than charting, but our reproductive systems are so complex and unique to each individual and charting is a ‘one size fits all’ approach while not all types of contraception will work for every woman. By understanding and working with our cycles naturally we don’t put ourselves at risk for any harmful or unpleasant side effects.  While many couples will conceive easily and quickly, there are many that won’t and infertility causes can be much more easily diagnosed when charting. Understandably, there are so many misconceptions about NFP and it can be daunting thinking about having to constantly discern adding another child to a family but the fruits of communication in marriage and understanding the wife’s cycle (read: hormones!) are abundant.

How do you handle the topic with family and friends? Is it ever an issue? How do you handle criticism about the Church’s teachings?

I’m guilty of not broaching the subject with many people unfamiliar with NFP or who are unaware that we practice NFP. A lot of people ask if we’re done having kids or if pregnancies were planned and I know I should take that opportunity to let them know we practice NFP if the situation lends itself to any sort of conversation.  With the recent HHS mandate at the forefront of many people’s thoughts, hopefully we’ll be able to clearly explain why we believe what we do about contraception and break down any myths or stereotypes about NFP.

Could you share a happy moment/memory that you have of your children? As well as funny story or incident that was difficult? 

Ever since Sebastian was born, Julia has all but ignored him completely. She occasionally lifts her blind eyes moratorium to hit or pinch him but this morning she miraculously smiled at him and he smiled right back which she seemed to think was hilarious. It gave me a little exciting glimpse into the future of their hopeful friendship.

Thank you Grace!! Grace was a friend of mine in college and she was always fun to hang out with...she has a witty and humorous view on life and blogs about it here.

On Being Happy

Thanks to my great friend Kristi, I learned about this book EVERY mom should read. 

The Ten Habits of Happy Mothers: Reclaiming Our Passion, Purpose, and Sanity by Dr. Meg Meeker. She is a Catholic Pediatrician and Mother.


I read the Introduction and was hooked:

As a Pediatrician of twenty-five years and a mother for twenty-six, I have listened to a whole lot of mothers. And I think that I have come to understand some fundamental truths about us. At least, some things that I think are true. First, we are a group that wants desperately to be good at what we do. We want to be good to our friends and husbands and we want to be great to our kids. We love intensely and we work hard. But we have a problem. In the past fifty years, we have been given an overwhelming number of opportunities. We can be whoever we want to be and our hard work will usually be rewarded. This is good. But in the midst of the onslaught of opportunity in our lives, we have become confused, and some of us have been a bit obsessed. We stress over  how well we are parenting and if we are taking full advantage of other opportunities. We wonder if we should work outside the home (of course, some of us don't wonder, because we have to). Others wonder whether we are working too much or too little. And there is so much more. We worry about whether our kids are giving enough opportunities, whether their friends like them, or whether they are being bullied at school or at day care. But mostly, we worry about what we can do for our kids in order to make their lives better. We do this because we really want to be good at mothering. We want to get it right, just as we want to get our jobs right.

       This need - to get parenting right - has become an obsession for many of us. It consumes our thinking, our energy, and our time. let me be clear: Striving to be a great mom is a  noble goal, and as a pediatrician, i applaud those who choose it. But that;s not what I'm referring to. I'm talking about a full blown obsession with getting mothering right. And it is taking many of us down.
Over twenty-five years I have seen us move from worrying about which school to send a daughter to to which band to hire for her high school graduation  party. I see mothers work two jobs in order to afford piano lessons for Susie and guitar lessons for Mike. I have watched mothers scream at teachers who gave their kids C o a paper when just a short time ago, we would have let that child rewrite his paper to get a better grade or told him to work harder on the next  paper. W are tired. we never feel that we're doing a good enough job at almost anything we do; not because we;re not good at things, but because we are trying to do too much, too well. We have become competitors. We have learned over the past twenty-five years to compete with ourselves. the problem is, none of us feels as though we're winning.

       In short, we've gone off the deep end. Don't take this personally; we're all in the same boat. Employed, at home, adoptive, biologic, wealthy, poor, young,and older mothers - we're all in this together. We have arrived at a similar place. So, we have a lot of company in one another. That's the good news.

       Here's the rest of the good news. We can make some simple changes that will bring us back from the edge (or pull us back on top of the cliff if we've fallen of completely) and brings some fun and sanity into our lives. We can love being moms again. We can sit. We can laugh with our kids. We can stop running around, acting like crazy people. We can love life and enjoy our wonderful kids. In the  following pages, you w ill find real mothers whose lives illustrate our collective plight, and you will find many mothers who have moved over to the positive side. They are getting this mothering thing right. No, they aren't better mothers, but they are enjoying being mothers more. This is not a book about being a better mother, because there are plenty of books on that. This is a book for you, and only you, to help you become a happier mother.

      Freeing ourselves from some of the craziness that we have adopted means changing some habits. This is hard, but we can do it because we are mothers and doing hard things is what we are good at. If we can endure pushing an eight-pound watermelon through an eight-inch opening we can do just about anything that we put our minds  to. Anything.



I'm almost done with it and I've really appreciated both it's practicality and the common sense wisdom it offers.

So if you aren't doing anything this Lent or if you are...take 10 minutes a day (in place of facebook or tv time ;) and start BEING happier!

oh..and she has also written several other great books such as:

Jillian Michaels and Lent

I know...catchy title huh? Are you curious? What could they possibly have in common? Well, this girl got it right in her post  and I  thought it was well done.

Now you may read it and wonder what it has to do with NFP...nothing....or everything.

:) Happy Lent!