Remember that you are from ashes and to ashes you will return.

I have entered into my second trimester of the pregnancy. I am 15 weeks today. It is amazing how quickly time is flying by. I find myself doing daily comparisons of this pregnancy compared to being pregnant with little Hopie and Gracie. For all the obvious reasons... Last year at this exact same time, Chris and I found out we were having conjoined twins. That was a pain like no other. And this pregnancy I am waiting, waiting, waiting to find out if this child is healthy and what the sex is. Everything about this pregnancy is going along as wished for. When I was pregnant with Hope and Grace I was tired and sick all the time. I hibernated for four and half months. I grieved and sobbed almost on a daily bases because I didn't know what to expect from day to day. This pregnancy feels too easy. I feel guilty for that. I have more energy, I am rarely ever sick, and when someone asks me how everything is going, I say, "Great"! But really in my heart I miss Hope and Grace and wish I had them crawling all around me and getting them excited for their new baby sister / brother.

It is a daily struggle to stay positive. But I am. I know my daughters miss me as much as I miss them. I know that they are just as elated as this new baby grows daily inside of me. I stay positive about having a healthy baby - as odd as this may seem. A part of me continuously prepares myself for another devastating loss. But I try to keep reminding myself that it is not the amount of breathes we take that count, but the moments that take our breath away!

****Ash Wednesday mass was such a good reminder to me of that saying. As I feel this looming loneliness for my daughters and for this new baby, I am reminded that it is a great preparation of my soul. God is preparing my soul - hopefully for heaven! As the priest marked my forehead with a black cross made of ashes and said the words, "Remember that you are from ashes and to ashes you will return." My heart filled with emotion as I could understand more profoundly this gift of life versus eternal life.

I walk this world alone. No one can walk it for me. I feel this pain for having given birth to my daughters and having to let them go, that no one else will ever know. I will walk alone as I carry each child and develop a love that will be different for each one - but none more than the other. I will be the only one to love my husband, the way I do. No one will ever know how much I long to hold his hand or what it means to me to share a kiss that only we can share. And no one will be able to walk my path to heaven. Each path is different and you must walk it alone, as Jesus did. I must say, that I desire heaven more than I ever have. My girls are there.

I thank the Lord for giving me my carrot to chase to that I may always be reminded of what is waiting for me there. However, before my journey is complete here I have to continue my path in this world to get to heaven.

Thank you Lord for these joys of life. Thank you for my faithful and loving husband. Thank you for allowing me this humbling gift of being able to carry a child in my womb and give birth. Thank you for my family and friends who give me such wonderful examples of how to chose to walk the path which leads me to you. Thank you for everyday in which I can learn what makes you happy and brings you joy, so that when I get to heaven I can present them to you.